Don’t Harass Tree People, Okay, Thank You

I love trees.

Like, not in THAT way. I’m not sure I’d ever chain myself to one, partially because I’m not that into it and…well, it’s an invasion of privacy for the tree. Imagine if you had a friend on death row who was innocent, and to protest you chained yourself to them. Not only would it be super awkward, but there’s loads of other stuff you can do that doesn’t involve the exchange of bodily odours.

Of course, I’ve written symphonic poems about trees. I have a whole BOX of symphonic poems about trees, from their birth to being lopped. Like…tree lopping is a part of life. I have fellow bohemian friends who’d actually abuse well-rated tree removal companies. Melbourne has to fend off attacks from people like that, who don’t understand the subtleties of removing trees and why it’s necessary sometimes. So while I get that Mother Gaia wants us to protect and nurture all living things, lest she rise from the Earth and turn off everyone’s internet until they agree to save the rain-forest…I’m not stupid. That’s why I just wrote my new song: ‘Please Stop Harassing Tree Removal Guys Who Want to Do Their Jobs, Okay, Thanks, Seriously.’ It’s partly a ballad, and the other half of it is an electro-pop-funk-dance number that represents, via the power of rhythmic movement and chanting in the language of the Mystic Green, that trees have their time to die and be lopped just like people need lopping. It’s my greatest work to date and I just know that people are going to dig the rich meaning behind my lyrics.

So next time you want to hire someone for tree trimming, Melbourne seems like a hostile place of haters and you feel down…well, I hope people will look to my song, and the rhythmic movement contained within, and they will see a better way. A more harmonious way.