Bah, Running!

Bah! These so-called ‘trousers’ are foolish inventions! My legs feel so enclosed; why would anyone discard the wonderful garment that is the robe? I feel like I might have raised undue suspicion at work by inquiring as to when people actually wear robes in this society, although I’m pretty sure my colleagues just assumed that I was from overseas. Anyway, there’s one place you can wear them: the home. They’re called dressing downs, or dressing ‘robes’, and while they are robes, it’s apparently not okay to wear them while you have visitors. WHAT?!

And now I’m visiting their ‘doc-tors’ to tend to my ‘car-dio-vas-cu-lar’ problems, because apparently I have the lungs of someone twice my age. I’ve been advised to look into portable hyperbaric chambers for sale. Melbourne people, have you ever heard of such a thing? I had to look up that phrase on the blinking box that answers all questions (which, by the way, I’m sure is powered by some kind of magic even though no one wants to admit it). Anyway, the chamber in question appears to be some sort of walk-in contraption that allows oneself to breathe properly.

Thing is, I’ve never had breathing troubles. Before my fall from grace in the Great and Terrible War of the Trobblegobble Folks from the Hills of Upzy-Doozy, I was an esteemed court wizard. I sat in this one chair all day, casting spells at the behest of the king. I never had to work on my fitness. I feasted on roasted pork and apple and elderflower pie, and all was well.

Then you cast one tiny spell wrong, turning thousands of your own soldiers into dandelions, and suddenly you’re getting booted through the portal to the mortal realm and being told that you need to buy an oxygen chamber for your home because you’re not fit enough to climb some stairs. Why would I climb stairs when I can cast a simple spell of flattening? Oh, very well… their realm, their rules. 

I’m joking, obviously. As much as I’d like to go with the above being true, the issue is clearly one of too much time spent on the couch in my robe. Hey, it’s not my fault video games are so awesome these days.

-Sofstronnagunicon Meldwich III